I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
i think i just lost a toe
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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