if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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