im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
