I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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