Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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