I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
