I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
