After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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