3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
