Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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