So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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