I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize