I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
