wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My feet surprised me
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