She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
