Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
