he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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