It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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