You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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