I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
