I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
