I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I don't deserve a penis
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
