If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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