in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
