Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
