I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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