He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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