cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
