I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize