i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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