My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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