i just wanna soil my oats bro
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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