its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
