I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
