My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
