WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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