sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
where am i from again
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
