I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
