i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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