I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
