If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
