he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
