she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
