Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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