Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
