ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
