They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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