Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize