sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
