My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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