just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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