i can't believe i had my finger in that
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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