It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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