this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I love you. Go after that dick
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
