i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
