We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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