The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
