Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
