Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
