Swine flu. Run for my life!
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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