My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
