I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
