I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
