Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
